The “helpful stranger” stress

[vampress]

Well, I had my first experience today of some random stranger at our campground coming over to help me park. That reinforced why I love to get to the campground when no one else is around when we have to park in our seasonal site. But, I needed to be on a job site this morning, so could not come down yesterday when the place would be emptier.

Our seasonal spot needs a little “shoehorning” to get our camper into it. I have to cut tight to the tree trunk on the drivers side so as to not end up on the deck I built a few years ago, and it’s a right angle corner backing into the site from the road and using the neighbors grassy area across from us too since it’s a narrow road. I have been doing this particular site maneuvering for 6 years now between the 2 campers, with the Paradigm taking a little more finessing since it’s 39’ long.

Long story short, I did not nail it on my first try. DH and I have a routine where he’s my on the ground eyes while backing in. We usually have it down quite well. But today I did not. So, a very well meaning guy hops out of his truck and came over to say he would help me back in. Ugh! I need to learn to say no thank you. That was the worst, most stressful backing in job I have ever had! He was trying to tell me what to do, and I was trying to concentrate on what I was doing and what DH was telling me. Never again. Next time I will politely tell them no thank you I do actually know what I’m doing!

 

[Notanlines]

Lynette, DW and I are very familiar with your situation. This isn’t 1949. My wife is my fishing, boating and riding partner and has always either put the boat on the trailer or backed the trailer down the ramp.
The days of keeping ‘the little woman barefoot and pregnant’
are long gone.

 

[jasin1]

I don’t like anyone trying to help when I’m backing in even though I know they mean well.never really a problem unless there are vehicles parked directly in front of my site. Whats worse is if someone try’s and talks to my wife while I need her to guide me. I usually tell them the old saying “ really it’s not you…..it’s me!” I have ADHD and get distracted easily so even though your trying to be helpful…..it’s…not

Mostly this happened the first year we purchased the fifth wheel and only in really tricky situations….on a couple of occasions after six hundred tiny maneuvers and various random obscenities shouted in what sounds like different languages I would emerge from my truck to the crowd of onlookers with blank face and no emotion and say “ I know what your thinking….i make that look easy…some silence as they try and figure my humor out and then a bunch of laughing and we are all good.

My daughter just purchased her first “real” boat ( had a San Juan 21 sailboat some years ago) and we don’t have a lift yet on our pier for her boat so we have been trailering it 1000 ft down the road to a little marina and dropping it in for a few days at a time (We don’t want to paint the bottom) her and her husband have no towing experience but are eager to learn I’ve been there teaching her how to hook up and she drove the combo from the marina the other day and backed into her yard but has not backed down the ramp yet I just had surgery so I’m MIA for two weeks and she want to try and put the boat in. She is using my old beater pickup so she can’t hurt that but I told her if someone try’s to help it may be ok since your starting from no experience and you don’t want to tie up and block the boat ramp. My daughter can do anything she sets her mind on and since she was a little girl she has always done what ever she wants. Very active, travels all over the country and world backpacking with her husband and when I bought dirtbikes for my son when he was little I got my daughter one as well. She is an editor for a boating magazine and I told her she should write more stories about woman boaters and that you don’t “Need” a Mans help to have and use boats,motorcycles or whatever…..very proud of her but she is still my little girl

 

[rhagfo-KEY]

Have had this before, backing into a spot up hill to the blind side (right) with a 5 speed manual. I had just caught the break away cable and engaged the brakes, while backing! A lady came up and offered to help, I declined, likely a bit rudely. Sure I hadn't hit anything, but not sure got out to look after setting the parking brake. Nothing behind and on a good line for the space, didn't notice the break away, and got back in to keep going. Trailer would not move got out and noticed the break away pin in the bed of the truck! I inserted back in the unit, releasing the brakes, trailer jumped back a bit.
Once I had the trailer in place I apologized if I was rude, but I sure didn't want help other than DW at that time.

 

[sourdough]

Lynette your final determination is the correct one. Like most I'm sure I've had quite a few well meaning folks offer (sometimes just interject) their help for whatever reason; might be a tight spot like you were negotiating or might be a straight shot....they just feel the need to "help". I always stay busy doing what I'm doing, give them a quick glance and tell them "thanks, I appreciate it but we've got this" then go back to what we were doing and ignore them. To me that's not rude as they chose to interrupt us as we were working.

 

[flybouy]

^^^^^ This! DW and I use a similar approach. When help is offered, we kindly thank them and decline their offer. Typically say something like "Thanks for the offer but my wife knows to ignore my cursing. " or she will sY "Thanks for your offer but I know how he wants it in the site."

If they come in the site like McArther landing on the beach, then then my attitude will become a bit more direct or stern if necessary. The vast majority have taken the hint, though my DW says I give them "the look" that few people challenge. I guess I don't have a good "poker face".

 

[Stumpy75]

The worst help I get when backing is to have someone telling me to turn my wheels one way or the other, especially with strange gestures of them turning my wheel. I usually have no idea, at that point, what they are talking about.

If you want to help, get in my mirror, so we can see each other, watch for problems I'm not seeing(overhead or blindside), and point in the direction the rear of the trailer needs to go. I can usually do the rest quite well...

 

[workinonit]

I'm probably the one that would stop, shut the truck off and look like I'm doing something else until they get bored and leave. I going to make an attempt to be nicer in my retired years. I haven't been very tolerable of people like this in my working life.

The one thing I don't need help with is backing a rig. Other than a simple spotter to say whoa!

 

[vampress]

Thanks guys. I was just astonished that someone got out of his truck and came over to tell me what to do. (And, it was tell me what to do, not ask if I wanted help.). Honestly, I did ask myself if it was because I was a “girl” driving. But, I don’t think I look THAT helpless. I guess I’ve been lucky, in 10 years of being the truck/camper driver and also towing the horse trailer everywhere for more years than that, I’ve never had this happen before. And apparently flat out was not prepared for it! But, now, I will be prepared, and will NOT let someone do what he did again. Plus, I can now see how this could cause an accident with the camper since I was not allowed to do my usual routine. Ugh!

ETA - Danny, I’m going to try to remember your approach and use it. “thanks, I appreciate it but we've got this”

 

[wiredgeorge]

I prefer to not have anyone near me when backing my camper into its spot on our property. About an 80 degree turn with the right side invisible due the narrow road and a steep down grade. I can get it in with not witnesses but it takes me awhile. Having my wife behind me and waving her arms in circles is far worse that if she just goes down to the house and gets reunited with our dog-critters. Folks claim you get better at backing with practice but I can attest that is not always the case.

 

[DutchmenSport]

I have, on several occasions offered my help and never been told "no." Why, because I simply told the driver I'd watch the back end of the trailer and if he was getting too close to something and on a sure path of hitting it, I'd yell for him to STOP. Then let him get out of the tow vehicle and see what's going on. That's the extent. And usually, that type of help is greatly appreciated. I do nothing more. I don't tell them which way to turn, how to do it, or anything. I'm there, just to yell, "STOP!!!"

 

[sourdough]

I have, on several occasions offered my help and never been told "no." Why, because I simply told the driver I'd watch the back end of the trailer and if he was getting too close to something and on a sure path of hitting it, I'd yell for him to STOP. Then let him get out of the tow vehicle and see what's going on. That's the extent. And usually, that type of help is greatly appreciated. I do nothing more. I don't tell them which way to turn, how to do it, or anything. I'm there, just to yell, "STOP!!!"

That assistance would probably be appreciated if someone was alone. When DW and I are negotiating into a space I'm absolutely positive she would not be happy if a stranger interrupted her sequence and conversation with me on our cells. On the other hand...

One could encounter a fellow like I met at a park in Mobile. We had it under control although it was a pretty tight fit due to other RVs and vehicles. The gentleman came to my window as I was talking back to Susan and began to tell me how to turn the truck wheel to maneuver the trailer. He stood by my window and took his right hand and started going in a circle one way - "turn it this way, turn it this way", then in a couple of seconds began furiously spinning his hand the other way " turn it this way, turn it this way".... I just stopped, looked at him and asked "what way was that"? We then proceeded to park the trailer and I suppose he wandered off for another beer.

 

[JRTJH]

I have, on several occasions offered my help and never been told "no." Why, because I simply told the driver I'd watch the back end of the trailer and if he was getting too close to something and on a sure path of hitting it, I'd yell for him to STOP. Then let him get out of the tow vehicle and see what's going on. That's the extent. And usually, that type of help is greatly appreciated. I do nothing more. I don't tell them which way to turn, how to do it, or anything. I'm there, just to yell, "STOP!!!"

Not to "disagree completely" but when my DW and I are working as a team, I concentrate on what I'm doing with ONE HELPER. I don't feel the "pressure of having a stranger in the mix"... I know I can rely on my DW, I know what distances she reacts to when she yells STOP and I know what to expect from her. With a stranger, those "understood team inputs" aren't assured and I either have to start listening to inputs I don't know are the same while "ignoring my DW's "understood help"....

We know the difference between "hold on" (when she walks out of the position where I can see her in the mirror) to check the other side, then comes back "in view" and says, "OK" and we resume. That's not the same as "STOP" when a crash is imminent and a "no holds barred" emergency stop is mandatory".

Our system "works for us" and over the years we've refined it so often just a "visible hand" or a "certain wave" means something we both understand. She may not feel the need to say, "Hold on" but if she waves her hand and she sees me wave back, then when she disappears from the mirror and I know she didn't "just wander off" but rather that we're on "pause while she goes to check and that she'll return to her spot" when she's sure of what I can't see.

Adding an unknown "helper" just increases my stress level in a difficult situation and that's not how "our team" operates...

If I were alone, say taking the trailer to the dealership by myself, then I would welcome another set of eyes while parking the trailer where they ask me to unhitch, but if DW is with me, no thanks, we can manage like we always do....

No reflection on the "good intentions of someone who wants to help" but our system works and has for over 50 years, even when DW had our daughter in her arms while standing at the back of the trailer... In other words, if we can do it "when all alone in the middle of nowhere with just the two of us" we can also do it at a KOA where it's much more open and easier to back into.

 

[TomArmstrong]

It's a man thing. You instantly think " that girl needs my help" and then act on your impulse. What got me out of it is I am a RaceTrack instructor and many of my students were female-In fact, my best students were female. I was able to see that they absorb information better than guys and repeat laps with less and less advice.
So, unless I'm asked, I won't jump up and run over to throw my 2 cents in-backing can be stressful enough without my unneeded help.

 

[Kzneft]

Good story! It's always "iffy" to have someone help. Had a neighbor help me one time, and he guided me right into the side of my garage. Arrrrggg. My wife and I are the only ones who guides our 5th into the driveway. Sometimes I drive, sometimes she does, and have never had an issue. I think in the word of Ronald Regan, "Trust but verify".

 

[Todd727]

So, a very well meaning guy hops out of his truck and came over to say he would help me back in. Ugh! I need to learn to say no thank you. That was the worst, most stressful backing in job I have ever had! He was trying to tell me what to do, and I was trying to concentrate on what I was doing and what DH was telling me. Never again. Next time I will politely tell them no thank you I do actually know what I’m doing!

Roll up the window

 

[Tireman9]

Put some styrafoam cups with some sand in the bottom so they do not blow away. Lay them out in a big empty parking lot as if the outlined a camp spot. You need to practice os you can park by yourself as you will not always have a helper.

 

[Peto]

I've been a boater all my life and marinas are even worse.... I am capable of docking or retrieving my cruiser on my own single handed. I just politely decline anyone wanting to catch a line of fend me off... STOP if I'm about to hit anything. Problem is I get out and look a LOT to make sure I don't hit anything and they usually start in with the advice on everything I am doing wrong.

If the situation is right I'll casually tell someone I've available to observe if needed (not offer advice unless asked)...