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Old 11-20-2017, 11:15 AM   #1
Dave W
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Did you hear the one about .....

......THE SASKATCHEWAN BEAR REMOVER WANTED

A homeowner in Saskatchewan wakes up one morning to find a big male bear on her roof.

She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for "Saskatchewan Bear Remover." So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes..

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull dog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up and I'll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will become subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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Old 11-20-2017, 11:28 AM   #2
notanlines
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Jerry Clower, circa 1968
A very funny man.....
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Old 11-20-2017, 03:59 PM   #3
jsmith948
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PUUSHH 'IM OUT JOHN!!!!
OOOOOOH SHOOT THIS THING!!!
I CAIN'T SHOOT UP THERE! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ALL ARE AT!
WELL THEN JUST SHOOT UP HERE AMONGST US, CUZ ONE OF US NEEDS SOME RELIEF!!!

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Old 11-20-2017, 06:09 PM   #4
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Classic !

I heard it a bit different . . . . . .
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Old 11-21-2017, 04:12 AM   #5
Dave W
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.............the BAD PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"


Timely, perhaps


Oh and this thread - just trying to introduce some humor and of course any 'help' from others would be encouraged
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Old 11-22-2017, 12:09 PM   #6
Dave W
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..........and a couple more

LEXOPHILIA - No it’s not a disease but many of us have it!




. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

. How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

. When chemists die, they barium.

. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

Then there is this one ....

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called "Cojones de Toro", bull's testicles

from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight

each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only

special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These

are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins....'

.......then for good measure:

THE RULES FOR LIFE

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be
overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are
never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to
pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as
an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is
the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It
will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important
you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or
absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to
increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect
on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything
except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you
always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something
else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only
cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts
out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out
soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most
consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most
inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible
ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you
will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on
the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the
grocery bag.

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the
wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's
day off.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you
will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet
the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will
be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though
they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get
some-place else.
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