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Old 05-15-2013, 12:09 PM   #1
Htfiremedic
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Oops

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
...
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

... Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!


Maybe not camping related, but...this is why there are warnings.
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:20 PM   #2
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I'm thinking of getting one for my wife ..... are you available for further testing????
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:35 PM   #3
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Rofl!!! I had to share that. It does sound like something we would do At the FD between calls!
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:47 PM   #4
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As you mentioned, you probably would have been okay if someone else did the Tazing. They would have been laughing so hard that holding the trigger for more than one second would have been impossible. I always wondered what you guys did while hanging around the station for 24hrs.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:19 PM   #5
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When we first got Tasers and had our training everyone got a 1 second jolt. Man o man its amazing what those things can do to a person. I couldn't imagine a full 5 second ride.

Jerry
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Old 05-16-2013, 05:35 AM   #6
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You are a brave man for posting this. Glad your ok. So on thursday you went to the meeting and said "Hi my name is.... and I am an IDIOT!!! oh lord the guys in the shop are having a good laugh thanks for sharing. I think you beat out my best friend that pulled the drin plug on his boat to get the watter out then pulled up to the dock and went to get a sandwich.... forgot to put the plug back in... can you say TITANIC?
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Old 05-16-2013, 07:09 AM   #7
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1 second burst man were you lucky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Try getting shot and taking a five second burst HOLY MOTHEROF GOD!!!!!!!!!!! Always asked why we needed to get tasered before we carry them? They say it's so you know how it feel so you don't abuse the power of carrying the taser. I said okay I carry a gun as well do I need to get shot to understand how that feels. I have yet to get an answer HHHHUUUUUMMMM!!!!!!! All kidding aside thanks to tv videos we rarely get to use them all they need is to see is that little red dot on them and they always seem to deside it ain't worth it and say. Oh heck no I quit. Good for us is we still get some test dummys from time to time. Life is good
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:01 AM   #8
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DJ85,
You're lucky we have to get lite up and tear gassed to stay certified!
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Old 05-21-2013, 09:50 AM   #9
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Yep, I got to "Ride the Lightning" during training. Right before the training officer was going to do the deed, he asked me if I wanted a short 3 second burst or the full 5 second... I think I got out the word I, when he pulled the trigger. 5 seconds of agony later, I was on the ground getting laughed at. Never want to get tazed again.
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Old 05-21-2013, 12:37 PM   #10
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I guess we were lucky. WHen we get tased it was a group thing. 5-6 of us sit on the ground interlock arms and the probes are put in the legs of the guys on the end. Pull the trigger and we all get zapped.

Only had to do it one time. I agree that I don't understand the thinking of "you need to try it because Suspects get it"

Tear gas, peper spray Had them a couple of times. I would rather have the gas than the taser.

Jerry
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Old 05-21-2013, 12:49 PM   #11
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I'm sure some of you realize this is a story thats been floating around on the web for at least 10 years now. I don't think the OP is saying this happened to him. He posted for a laugh and is funny whether true or not.
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Old 05-21-2013, 02:09 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wgb1 View Post
I'm sure some of you realize this is a story thats been floating around on the web for at least 10 years now. I don't think the OP is saying this happened to him. He posted for a laugh and is funny whether true or not.
I was wondering how many actually believed he did this. It is a funny story tho!! I think I spit a foamy beverage on my keyboard when I first read this a few years ago.
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Old 05-21-2013, 04:23 PM   #13
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I am home recovering from surgery, and ran across this, even though I am sicker than a dog with thrush, a side effect of the surgery it brought a good laugh and tears to my eyes. I needed a good uplifting, thanks to the author!
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Old 05-22-2013, 01:31 PM   #14
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I haven't read anything this funny in a long time. I almost peed my pants, thanks for the laugh!
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Old 05-23-2013, 04:56 AM   #15
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I think most of us understands this is a story, a very entertaining story, and just wanted to pass on our experiences with this fun toy. And who knows, it may have been partially true with enhancements...I laughed.
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Old 05-23-2013, 02:29 PM   #16
Htfiremedic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by halfprice View Post
I guess we were lucky. WHen we get tased it was a group thing. 5-6 of us sit on the ground interlock arms and the probes are put in the legs of the guys on the end. Pull the trigger and we all get zapped.

Only had to do it one time. I agree that I don't understand the thinking of "you need to try it because Suspects get it"

Tear gas, peper spray Had them a couple of times. I would rather have the gas than the taser.

Jerry
I actually did the X26 twice! Law enforcement and EMS.
I assed this on for the laughs and I loved the style of the author!
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