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Camping Cults – Yours For Just $9,999!
Our first camping trip was how I pictured camping; woods, mosquitoes, a pond, birds singing – the occasional deer. We pee’d on a tree (except my wife), something we would inevitable get on some sort of “list” for in the city. We cooked dogs and s ’mores over an open flame. Just shy of singing John Denver songs around the campfire, it was an Eddie Bauer and REI love-child; a virtual cornucopia of camping.
In direct contrast, last weekend was a bit different. With our new tenement on wheels, we received 21 “free” camping days at the [name withheld] cult . An adventure it was. Birds? Yes, pigeons and seagulls all tearing into ground scraps and even the occasional breech of a Hefty bag so they could angrily squawk at each other. Assuming the bird version of a Las Vegas buffet fight over the last red heat-lamp cooked egg-roll. Woods? Yes, a few sparse trees so recently planted that they still had the price tag attached (which we used for kindling). A pond? Absolutely, only it was a man-made, sand and clay cove clearly carved out by a Case 580 N backhoe. Bonus: we found washed up on the “shore” some well used chicken bones with no owner to be found. Seagulls even scoffed at these. Wildlife? Oh, hell yes! Dogs in every variety. All ready to ferociously bark in unison at the mere movement of a fly’s left leg.
The aerial view of this so called, campground must have looked exactly like a used RV dealer’s lot. A sweltering sea of travel trailers, campers and lawn gnomes all parked feet from each other with the A/C blasting. Not much nature here. Plenty of uncomfortable looking security guards garnished in white and blue polyester just praying for a cool summer rain. Also plenty of kids [read: gangs] roaming the park with their shorts around the back of their knees showing their WalMart boxers in the latest plaid fashion. You probably have the same instincts as the rest of us to know when kids are just kids having fun, and kids are out looking for trouble. This seemed to be the latter all day long.
We were obligated to listen to the sales pitch. An hour of Pinocchio nosed tales depicting how family orientated and wonderful their camping adventure park was. In the rather long list of amenities, not once was “you’ll feel just like your living in an episode of COPs, in a trailer park where domestic violence is just a horseshoe’s throw away from you” explained. However, they do offer a dirty indoor pool, a beach with pieces of deceased fowl, and probably gang fights for $9,999 in upfront costs and $492 per year in fees. But, it does include access their 5-7 (exact number was unclear) other parks as long as you pay an additional $2,000 per park. Cut your hand, sign in blood and you will never leave!
Yes, I am pointing out the bad. I could find just as many nice things if forced. For me, this was certainly NOT the kind of camping I pictured when I bought a camper. I’ll stick to pine trees and bears from now on.
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2015 Cougar 29RBK
2015 Ram 1500 Outdoorsman
2015 Jeep Wrangler Freedom Edition
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