[wiredgeorge]

We have strict Covid-19 rules to keep us all healthy here in Texas:

THE CORONAVIRUS RULES:
1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can. But don’t unless you really need to. But feel free.
2. Masks are useless, but maybe if you wear one it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well. OK, fine, it’s a mandatory guideline... I think.
3. Stores are closed, except those that are open. Don’t go there, but if you need to, go. I mean support local business by not going unless you must.
4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. The same applies to doctors and nurses; you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick. But healthcare workers, please go there even if you are just a little sick to help those who are sicker. And wear a mask.
5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help. Wear them if it helps you feel comfortable, but don’t touch your face to avoid cross-contamination. You know what, maybe it’s better if you don’t wear gloves. But you probably should anyway. Actually definitely wear gloves. Or at least, definitely maybe.
7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it's important to GO OUT.
8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.
9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.
10. Animals are not affected, but there is a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh my.
12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and remember that it's better to not go out, well, but no…
13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you will get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you shouldn’t go to parks or walk. Unless you want to. And if you do, don’t sit down, except that you can do that now — sit down — if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant. If you are old and pregnant you should probably crouch. Or sit. Or stand.
14. You can't go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.
15. If you are sick you can't go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.
16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn't wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for three hours. Does this include pizza too? Were they not practicing pizza prep protocols before the pandemic?
17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with, "I don't want to trigger panic, but…"
18. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver who will be happy to sit with you at the park. Or stand.
19. You can walk around with a friend, but please not with your family if they don't live under the same roof.
20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance. But if the grocery store worker bumps into you in the produce section it’s ok because he’s not your relative. Or maybe he is. But if he lives under the same roof you are fine. Probably. Or not.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours... no, four... no, six... wait, we didn't say hours, did we? Maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Hold on, not necessarily.
22. The virus stays in the air - well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten people so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, you should be fine. However in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further. Maybe.
23. We count the number of deaths, but we don't know how many people are infected as we have only tested those who were "almost dead" to find out if that's what they will die of. This means we are flattening the curve, or maybe not since an overwhelming majority have not been tested. But our model is certain and our data is consistent. Unless it’s not.
24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications).
25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?

not sure who the original author of this is...

(got this bit from the Texas Gun Forum - the poster there didn't know where it came from either).